DO NOT READ: A completely nonsensical review of ENDGAME from someone who’s never seen a Marvel movie

I’ve never seen* a Marvel movie, which makes me just about the least qualified person to write a review of ENDGAME. But as a copywriter at Alamo Drafthouse, I have to entertain the whims of my sick and twisted boss. He thinks this idea is the perfect amount of stupid, so without further ado, here is my Unqualified and Deeply Questionable Take on the End of the MCU Era As We Know it. Or So They Tell Me.

Warning: the first chapter of the alleged last chapter in the Avengers saga begins with a real doozy!

And by doozy, I mean a complete nightmare. And by a complete nightmare, I mean Linda Cardellini, for SOME REASON, asking her kids if they want mustard and mayo on their hot dogs. What, Linda? Are you trying to establish a blight on condiments forever? Not sure what your ahem, endgame was – but you just got so canceled that you evaporated from existence. So did your kids. Doozy!

But y’all, we’re just getting started with the madness. Cuz then we get to Robert Downey Jr. in a role only he could play – Robert Downey Jr. in space! Only, check it out: he’s low on supplies, and spiraling into the void with a purple lady who does not seem to be into his shit whatsoever. Suddenly his friend Brie Larson appears as a space hologram, which is very Tupac and very cool but more importantly saves him and the purple lady from the cruel indifference of the cosmos. Sweet!

Only not so sweet. Turns out, half the population on earth has been snapped to death by this thicc genocidal maniac named Thanos who, let’s be real, is like one part Hitler and significantly more parts decorative soap. I guess he did this to restore balance to the universe. But that sounds like ultra-projection and brings me to my next point: Working on yourself is real work. Mass murder is a shortcut. [finger snap]

Fast forward five years. Humankind is not doing well and, as evidenced by their emotionally flailing haircuts, neither are the Avengers. This especially goes for Scarlet Johansson who sought out what I’m going to have to assume was one of the last remaining colorists. Not sure what she was going for, but probably to “fix her broken life.” We've all been there.  

(Most of us just get bangs, but do your thing.) 

Then we get to Paul Rudd who emerges from thin air/a bunch of trash bags. He proceeds to do what any of us would do in that situation and runs to a national memorial to see if he’s dead. Turns out: yes, Paul Rudd is dead. But since he isn’t, he uses the opportunity to figure out time travel. Got it! Would do the same.

If you’re thinking that time travel sounds like a good way to fix genocide. Guess what? You’re correct. Also, duh! And if you’re thinking that all they gotta do now is get what’s left of the gang back together and then traverse the dimensions to collect the stones to fix the genocide – correct again. Also... duh.

Now that we’re all on the same page re: stones, time, genocide, we can launch into the action-packed web of rallying up the Avengers. Then rallying up stones. Then rallying up Avengers again. And then more with the stones? I can’t be sure. I just know that what was in my eyes was the equivalent of how McDonald’s tastes. Not one hundred percent sure what it is, but billions of dollars have gone into making it pretty delicious. Also, I was eating a burger. And drinking a shake. Not important.

The rest of the movie is a blazing race to save the universe and tie up all the character arcs. If the haters are correct, and ENDGAME is just the franchise’s parting gift to its longtime fans, they were mega-palpably having it – laughing at every joke, cheering at every victory, and sniffling at every defeat. That felt pretty special and honestly got me thinking the MCU was more than just Captain America and crew. It was everyone in that theater too. And everyone in theaters everywhere who are, from what I can tell, as diverse a group as it gets. Not trying to barf in my milkshake here, but it might seem that 11 years and 21 movies later, the community that’s emerged has got to be the real uniting of the galaxies. So eat it, purple soap Hitler!

I bet you’re wondering what the big takeaway is. To sum it up, the movie was good, the MCU was actually in/around my heart the whole time, and putting mayonnaise on a hot dog is very and extremely whack. Okay, bye!

*Okay, I’ve technically seen IRON MAN 2. But it was at a drive-in double feature and I was mostly just drinking champagne in the backseat of my friend’s car waiting for the real movie I was there to see, THE GREAT GATSBY in 3D. (Don’t ask.)